chop!

This past weekend I had the children's hair cut. By professionals. Since I've acknowledged my inability to successfully trim anything other than finger- and toenails.

After much hemming and hawing, one of the stylists convinced me that since Elizabeth's bangs were so close to growing out, I should just let them be. Even though it drives me crazy that her hair is always in her face and she won't keep in any of the cute little bows and headbands that I carefully put in, each morning.

But after some careful consideration, it didn't seem to me that her bangs were really that close to growing out. And even when they do, they'll still be hanging in her face because she won't keep anything in her hair. So yesterday, as my little daughter is walking her lunch tray to the counter, and she's got peanut butter and jelly smeared across her cheek and she's stumbling and tripping and generally bumping in to everything in her path, I grabbed her, swung her up on the counter and before I could even process what I was doing - I snatched my kitchen shears and lopped off a handful of hair.

Charlie stared in shock and then gasped, "JEN! You just spent MONEY to have her hair cut! Now look what you've DONE!!" And I responded, "I know. I KNOW! But doesn't she look better?!"

"Children will mimic what they learn because they learn what they live."

Alrighty then. Would someone please remind me of this little incident when I can't figure out why my children lack impulse control?

supernanny recap and my top 10

Friday night, before we went to bed, Charlie and I checked out the SuperNanny website to see if the show was available online so I could post a link for anyone that might have missed it.

And while we were searching around the website, we saw that they had a "Discuss" board. And on that "Discuss" board was a post about the Mann family. Here's what it read:

Wow! Are the Mann parents poster people for requiring registration and classes before allowing someone to have kids? This is bananas! I have never seen anything like this. Why is she hitting them and hugging them and telling them she loves them at the same time? Talk about a recipe for creating a masochistic personality type. What is wrong with these people? And is Naomi the anti-christ? Spitting and screaming until she turns bright red while in a timeout and telling her mother she HATES her at 5yrs old? OMG, I don't get it at all. Please let these kids turn out okay and be productive members of society and not serial killers. Uggghhh.

Even though it was past 11 PM, because by the time we sat down to watch the show that we had recorded earlier, and then we discussed the show for over an hour with our friend Debbie, we felt compelled to register an account on ABC.com so we could post a response. Here's an excerpt from what I wrote:

I genuinely applaud this family for pulling back the curtains and showing the real struggles that they are facing on a day to day basis. It is clear to me that they are desperately searching for help and they recognize that whatever approach they've been using, hasn't worked. Hence the reason they applied to the SuperNanny show in the first place. Right?! EVERYONE makes mistakes and every parent has their less than stellar moments. While I believe that most days, I do a pretty good job with my children, there are many (many, many!) other days when I'm looking for an emergency exit and expecting that at any moment, the men in white coats will show up and haul me away to the loony bin. Sure, there are a lot of good books on the subject of "parenting" but most of the time we're all just figuring it out as we go. As for me, I am so proud of the Mann's for sharing their family with a national audience. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there because you know that you are going to be criticized, and quite possibly humiliated, in front of millions.

What I know - for sure - is that when people are desperately struggling, they will do just about ANYTHING. They will buy books, they will attend seminars, they will embrace whatever philosophy they think will work. Even if that philosophy condones disciplining your children with wooden spoons.

As I was watching the show on Friday night, my heart was hurting. At one point, within the first 30 minutes, I told Charlie, "After going through IVF, it's obvious these people wanted children very badly. And now, these children are bringing them tremendous grief. You can't help but wonder if the thought has crossed their mind, 'What in the world was it all FOR?' "

Oh, it might seem terrible for a mother to look at her children and think "What the hell have I done bringing this insanity in to my world?" But parenting three-year-old triplets was the closest I've ever come to totally crazy. And more than once during that difficult year, I felt like I had way more than I'd bargained for.

While I have a very different dynamic with triplets followed by a singleton, I can certainly understand the challenges of raising triplets plus one. There are a lot of times we expect our five-year-olds to be a lot more capable than they are. But they're not. Because, you know ... they're only five. You can't get as angry with a toddler as you can with a five-year-old, who understands more and should "know" better and be "pulling their weight" and helping to make things easier.

Yes, of course this is illogical reasoning, but when you are outnumbered four-to-one by children, you might not be firing on all mental cylinders all the time (or most of the time, for that matter). And so there are these expectations and frustrations that you might unknowingly place, or vent, upon an older sibling, when you're dealing with their younger sibling. And when that younger sibling comes in the form of three-year-old triplets?

Oy vey.

While I haven't personally met the Mann family yet, I'll wager that life for them isn't quite as bad as what was portrayed on television. From my experience, when there are additional people in the mix, children's behavior can become a lot less predictable and edgy. Heck, I know how bat crazy my kids get when I'm simply talking on the telephone. I can only imagine how several people walking around our home for two weeks with cameras would add to the chaos.

That being said, here are some of my thoughts after watching the show:

1) Say what you mean and mean what you say. Consistency is key. Who is in charge? Children should know that they aren't the ones calling the shots and if they misbehave or don't obey, there is an immediate consequence, each and every time. As for us, while I'm not a huge advocate of spanking - I will not deny that there are times when a swat on the behind gets a point across faster than anything else. Ideally, I'm a proponent of taking a deep breath, counting aloud to three, and then removing the child in question from the situation. Provided they don't get in line before I get to three and their behavior doesn't require an immediate and prompt response (i.e. Henry trying to climb in to a lit fireplace).

2) Children are a DIRECT reflection of their parents, or whomever is raising them. Children will mimic what they learn because they learn what they live. If your children are exposed to harsh words and actions, they will use harsh words and actions. They become what you put in to them. And if you don't expect a lot of them - they won't produce a lot. Because of that, if there is one thing that I strive each day to achieve, it is to have a motivated, patient and compassionate demeanor. The most vital lesson I've learned in parenting is that when I'm not kind, my children aren't kind either. When I'm not driven, my children aren't driven either. No longer do I solely blame a child or teen when I see terrible behavior. If you've formed an opinion that a child is an uncontrollable brat? Look at the parents. What could they possibly be doing differently?

3) Know their cues. Whenever I see our children acting up, the first things to cross my mind are: How have they been sleeping - are they overtired? How have they been eating - are they hungry? How are they feeling - could they possibly be sick? It is almost always guaranteed that one or more of those three things will trigger poor behavior in our children. And then, this is the critical part: I respond as fast as I possibly can to correct the situation. To me, there are few things more cruel than seeing a child who is clearly in distress and watching the parents ignore it. "Oh, I need to finish my shopping. Oh, I need to finish this phone call. Oh, I need to finish this meal at a restaurant - even though it's 10 PM and my baby should have been in bed three hours ago." My advice? Drop what you are doing and attend to your child. Newsflash: Those little people that you are raising are your top priority and 98.999% of all tantrums and outbursts will be avoided if you simply know and respond to their cues and triggers.

4) Constrain your child if they have a propensity for running away. Put them in a harness, put them in a stroller, put them in a backpack. For Pete's sake - velcro them to your body, if necessary. But whatever you do - do not go in to an environment where you do not have complete control over your small child. Until our triplets were almost four, we did not leave the house unless they were A) In a stroller and/or B) In a safety harness. Do not worry what other people might think. Your job is to keep your child safe.

5) Sleep is a magical, wonderful thing. Everyone in a family benefits when a child sleeps well - most of all the child, themselves. While we have had our struggles with Henry (entirely my fault, nursing on demand for almost 2.5 years probably didn't help) our triplets have always been outstanding sleepers. When I watched the Mann's struggling with their five-year-old, all I could think was: Ditch the afternoon nap!! If their daughter is out and busy during the day without a nap, she will be in bed asleep without protest, by no later than 7:30 PM every night. Guaranteed. Our triplets lost their afternoon nap when they were four because I couldn't take them bouncing out of bed and off the walls until 9:00. Maybe once a month they'll need an afternoon nap (refer to #3, above), but it rarely happens because a midday snooze destroys a decent bedtime. Which in turn, destroys me.

6) Find a bond with your child - make a connection - do it, every day. Although we try to get our children out of the house for one on one time, it doesn't always involve a grand trip to the park, zoo or hardware store. Sometimes, our "special" time revolves around making a batch of bread. Or muffins. Or maybe we'll vacuum the car out together. At the end of every day, I always take between five and ten minutes for a heart-to-heart talk with each of the children. I'm not sure why, but our children open themselves up to me more at this time of the day than any other. So this is when we'll discuss what's on their mind and what's in store. I'm convinced a large part of the reason we've had such great success keeping our kids in bed at night is because during our nightly chat, I'll tell them what we're planning to do the next day. Then, their minds are so filled with excitement about what they have to look forward to, they're anxious to go to sleep and are snoring within three minutes.

7) Think ahead and get out in the world. Wherever we go, we are ready for pretty much anything that might come our way. We'll have a change of clothes for the children, a first aid kit, and warm layers. And if we'll be gone from home for more than an hour, we always bring some kind of snack and bottles of water. (Turns out eating helps to circumvent hunger issues. Who knew?) ALSO: We strive to be a part of whatever it is that they are doing because by and large, we enjoy playing with our children and not just watching them play. If we're going to the beach and our children are wearing bathing suits - we are wearing bathing suits, too. If our children are in the pool swimming - we are in the pool swimming, too. If our children are building sandcastles - we are building sandcastles, too. Push your sleeves up and get dirty. There are few things better than playing alongside your children.

8) Teach your children manners and how to give thanks. Regardless of what you believe (or don't believe) I think it's important that everyone give thanks for a meal. At our house, we thank the sun, the wind, the rain, the earth, the farmers that grew it, the people that picked and sold it. It's necessary for children to understand - at a young age - that gratefulness is one of the most important traits they'll ever learn. Followed very closely by graciousness. (Which is why we work on our manners, ad nauseum.)

9) It takes teamwork. Whether it comes in the form of their spouse, grandparents - aunts, uncles, neighbors - or people from the community, parents need support. Although I don't believe it's impossible to raise children on your own - I don't see how anyone could successfully raise children, entirely by themselves, without losing something in the process. A bit of their sanity - sense of self - maybe their patience? Charlie and I fortunate in that we are almost always home together to support one another. But we're also involved in a great church. We're part of a triplet support group. We've got wonderful neighbors and friends. And this past week, Charlie decided that our lives would be a lot more enjoyable if we hired someone to come in and clean the house once a week. Identify where you need help and then ... get it.

10) Out of the blue and for no reason at all, tell your children that you love them. Pick them up (if you can) or wrap your arms around them in a bear hug and tell them how much you adore them. Kiss their cheeks. Gently hold their hand. Regardless of what kind of day you've had (or are having) - cherish your child. Let them feel the love pouring out of your heart and directly in to theirs. If children perceive love they will become love. And all that any of us really need is love, love, love.

********

Here is a shot of the scene in our home, tonight.

Our neighbors and good friends, Tom and Dawn, who are big Saints fans, came over to watch the Superbowl with us. Since we wanted to get our kids in to bed at 7 PM, and no one wanted to miss the action packed second half, Charlie recorded the fourth quarter of the game and we took a break to get the kids settled down. In a final burst of energy, the children ran around and played and were tickled relentlessly by our friends.

We were having a grand old time until Charlie said, "Huh, I really hope I programmed our DVR correctly and it is recording the game..." The fun fest promptly stopped as our neighbors stared in disbelief at my husband and he continued, "I suppose that would make me the least popular Superbowl host in history if I flubbed this up!" Then he added, "Not to fear. If we miss the Superbowl, we can always watch my appearance on Supernanny. AGAIN!"

did you see it?!

This morning when I got back from a leisurely walk around the block very strenuous workout, the children were quietly doing homeschool activities and Charlie was in the kitchen making a full spread breakfast, including cereal, fresh fruit, bagels and individual omelets for each of the kids. And although I highly doubt my courage to open our home up to the world (more than I already do on this blog), there was a very brief moment when I thought,"Wow. This guy could have his own show."

(Of course, he'd never do it.)

I've started writing a post about my husband's five second appearance on national television, but we're running out the door this morning to help pack boxes for the Hilarious Givers.

I can't wait and I'm anxious to know!

Did you see the show?

If you didn't catch it, you can watch it here by clicking on THIS link. Keep in mind, the STS {which is Squadron of Triplet Support, not to be confused with Send Tequila Soon} doesn't make their appearance until the last eight minutes.

I'll tell you more of what I thought later. But as a preview, I thought that the show was great and I am extremely proud of the Mann family for pulling back the curtain on their lives and revealing to world the real struggles that they are facing. It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up to the court of public opinion. And it was clear to me that they were desperate for help, hence the reason they sent out a SuperNanny SOS.

What did you think?

Do you have discipline problems like that?

If not - what advice would you give to that family - or a family facing similar challenges?

favorite thing friday

I recently read a blog where the author has, in all of the 27 years that she has lived in the same exact house, never once rearranged her furniture. I can't even imagine that...

When I was growing up, my mother would rearrange our furniture at least once a month. Sometimes I'd walk in and wonder if I was in the right house, because nothing looked familiar.

Since then, I've come to believe that rearranging furniture is good for you. Unless you try to take it upon yourself to push a 300-pound wall unit using only your legs and strain a muscle.

There's just something about the change that is so invigorating. It shakes things up and shoos away stagnancy. Rearranging furniture not only gives a room a whole new feel, it provides an excellent opportunity to clean behind the couch and beneath beds and dressers.

Last month, or last week - I can hardly keep track anymore - we moved all of the tables out of our "kitchen" area and threw down a big area rug. We now eat in what was once our "family room", but is now our "dining room", that space located immediately next to our "kitchen" area.

(Got that?)

Having this extra space in the kitchen has been great. The kids will drag their beanbags in and lounge around while we prepare meals and wash dishes. And since we've been without a #&^#@#% dishwasher for six days, we're spending even more time than we usually do, in the kitchen area.

Washing a multitude of dishes. By hand.

A few years ago, one of my extremely fit co-workers told me that she would spend 20 minutes a day running on a small trampoline. According to her, this was a great cardio work out and great fun, the perfect combination. So this past Christmas, because I've been looking for an easy way to get some aerobic activity in to my every day, Santa brought me the kids a small trampoline.

NOW, instead of the kids jumping on the couch - they jump on their trampoline. And since we've got extra space in the kitchen, we pull the trampoline out whenever we're making dinner - or washing dishes - and the kids enjoying being near us as they take turns jumping and launching themselves in to their bean bag chairs.

What I love most about this little trampoline is that I can get in a great aerobic workout any time I want, without leaving the house. Jumping on a trampoline is less likely to hurt an unsuspecting child that wanders in to your path like a jump rope, and I can do it while I'm talking to the kids - watching American Idol (yay!) - or catching up with Charlie.

Important things to notice in this picture that perfectly captures our lives: Bunny is no more than a foot from Elizabeth. The highly imaginative William is pretending to be something. In this case, a jock with arm weights. And Henry is running around in the buff. Whoa. Is that a box of brownies on the counter?

Why, I never!

The trampoline that we own is rated to 200 pounds and was received fully assembled, with the exception of the legs which simply needed to be attached. (This looks similar but I don't know if it's the same brand. Ours doesn't have a label on it.) Charlie loves jumping on the trampoline and was very surprised that he got such an intense aerobic workout. He was even more surprised when his legs were wobbly the next day.

(Santa also brought one of these for Christmas which nearly killed us.)

I love jumping on the trampoline. I'll run, do jumping jacks, and throw in some "twist" moves. Within five minutes, my heart is beating out of my chest, I can hardly carry on a conversation and my brow is dripping in sweat.

Not only is jumping on a trampoline a good aerobic workout, if you're coordinated enough, you can even add a little weight resistance.

I think it's important to have good muscle strength since you never know when you might feel compelled to move a 300-pound wall unit by yourself.

tonight ... it's tonight!

I'll be back later with a post about my Favorite Thing, but in case you missed my tweet about it, the SuperNanny episode that Charlie participated in is supposed to air tonight.

His role, along with two other triplet dads (our friends Derrick and David), was to sit down with Mark Mann, the father of the family showcased, and give advice and words of encouragement for balancing it all from a man's perspective. Life. Career. Marriage. Children.

I have no idea what will be shown of his participation, but hopefully, this show will convey an overall positive and helpful message to people who are feeling overwhelmed in the trenches of parenthood. SuperNanny airs on ABC at 8 PM/7 CST.

Now I need set the alarm on my phone to remind me.

It would be totally like us to completely space out.

the rational within our irrational

I've never been one to plan anything and am terrible with making choices.

After a deep and thorough self analysis, the best that I can come up with is that I crave organization, but if I try to plan too far in to the future, I get overwhelmed.

As a result, I've blossomed this full fledged "Que Sera, Sera" type of persona.

When I discovered that I was pregnant with triplets, not once did I consider how we would take care of three babies nor how those three babies would impact our lives and professional careers. Yet, five years later, there is no doubt that our decision to embrace "Whatever Will Be, Will Be", has been the best decision we could have ever made.

We didn't just stumble in to this mindset.

Now that I look back, I'm fairly certain it was a conscious decision.

One day, when the triplets were about two months old and Charlie was home with me on paternity leave, he and I were taking the babies out to have their newborn photographs taken. He was driving and I was sitting in the far back, so that my worried eyes could remain on our rear-facing, still premature, infants.

Charlie was severely sleep deprived, I was severely sleep deprived and hormonal, and he was rapid firing me with questions about what we were going to do once it was time to return to work. Would we hire a nanny? Would we put the kids in daycare? Would one of us quit our job?

What? When?

HOW were we going to do this?

The future was pressing upon us!

Why didn't we have a plan in place?

We had to make a decision. Now!

And seeing as I don't like to make long term decisions particularly as it pertains to my precious children, I fired at him, with as much triplet postpartum passion as I could summon, FOR GOD'S SAKE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE'RE GOING TO DO. BUT WE WILL FIGURE IT OUT WHEN THE TIME COMES. I HAVE EVERY FAITH THE ANSWER WILL PRESENT ITSELF. QUE SERA SERA! UNTIL THEN, RELAX. ALRIGHT?!

What were these words that I was speaking?

We'll figure out assimilating newborn triplets in to our lives as we go?

Que Sera, Sera?!

This was crazy talk.

I knew it. Charlie knew it. But I also knew, and he quickly realized, that I was desperately afraid because I had absolutely no clue what the future held. And so at that moment, when my fury and frustration and fear was unfurled on to my husband, it was like our minivan had been hit by a cyclone. The car swerved. The windows shook. The babies cried.

And Charlie's weary eyes bulged as he looked at me in the rear view mirror and with raised eyebrows said, "Okay then. Maybe we should talk about this later. Maybe you'd like some lunch? Or a stiff drink? How about a tranquilizer, SWEETHEART?"

At that moment, all I knew is that not one of the options that he presented sounded good to me. Nothing was palatable. The thought of a hiring a nanny was out of the question. The thought of putting our babies in daycare was out of the question. The thought of one of us quitting our highly coveted jobs was out of the question. And while I had absolutely no idea what the future held - or what we'd do - I felt fairly confident that we'd figure it out, once we got there.

Five years later, we're still figuring it out as we go.

One day at a time.

There is no doubt, our schedule has been rather dynamic these past few years.

In the early days, we both negotiated with our employers a part-time work schedule, so that when one of us was working, the other one would be home with the children. After less than 18 months of that arrangement, Charlie returned to work full time while I stayed home for almost a year, following the birth of our fourth child. Who, by all accounts, is a miracle among miracles. And remains the most shocking of surprises.

This past year, I had to return to work full time. While I sometimes struggle with my busy work schedule, I frequently think about the fortuitous timing of my immersion in to the full time work force, since a few weeks after I returned, my husband was laid off. And there was the briefest moment where we felt like everything was out of control.

Now, I see it is a cosmic comedy because up until that point, we had both been concerned with how we would juggle one full time job, one part time job and the homeschooling of our four children? And yet once again, the solution to our problem presented itself.

These days, I work - from home - and Charlie is the primary caregiver. It wasn't long ago that I was physically and emotionally pained by the thought that it wasn't ME with them, all day, every day. But what I've come to realize is that this really is the best possible arrangement for our family for a number of reasons, but most notably:

1) My husband has a lot more patience with the children than I do. He isn't flustered when they try on every single article of clothing within their possession and play with every single stuffed animal they own. All at once.

2) My husband is a much better cook than I'll ever be and he enjoys preparing meals for the family. When he cooks dinner we have fresh salmon and long grained rice. When I cook dinner we have pizza. Take out.

3) Since I work from home, I'm almost always here. Although I do need to travel every so often, most days, I'm able to stop what I'm doing and read the children a story, or sit with them for lunch, or scoop one up on my lap and give them a tight hug. It's the best of both worlds for both of us. I can play with the children until they start to bicker and then I can retreat to a ... um ... let's see... conference call? I'm fairly certain someone somewhere needs to talk with me. And Charlie, well - he can take the kids to the tennis courts and practice his serve, with four energetic children who are guaranteed to chase after balls.

4) It's a whole lot easier, on both of us, when we're both home. If nothing else, it provides a mental cushion knowing that another adult is only a few steps away and either of us can use the bathroom for more than 30 seconds, without worrying that the kids will get in to trouble. If Charlie was the one working full time, he'd be gone to an office all day - and I'd be home, alone. And while the children are older and life is certainly less chaotic then it once was, I imagine that I'd still be frantically dialing my husband at 4:30 PM every afternoon and pleading, "When are you going to be home? Soon? Please, God Speed, tell me you'll be home soon?!"

Of course, any one who is with children all day, needs to have some kind of intellectual and physical outlet for their sanity. For my husband, he started his own company that he works on at night, or sporadically throughout the day. And several times a week he will either go for a bike ride, a run, a swim - or play softball with our church league.

And while Charlie was initially frustrated that it wasn't him providing the sole financial support for our family, he has come to realize that he IS providing critical support for our family.

This hasn't been an easy shift in mindset, since men are historically, the breadwinners in a family. Sometimes, Charlie feels like there is a negative stigma as a result of what some might consider our "role" reversal.

But with the evolution of women in today's workforce, and the outstanding benefits I have with my company, this life style is our reality. We've both come to terms with this. And that is why my husband might call me from one of his mid-week outings to the beach and tell me, "Jen, this is SO awesome!"

We know that we are fortunate to have our educations and flexible work schedules. But we also acknowledge to live the life that we have lived, we've had to make some big choices.

We've deliberately gone from two full time jobs, to one full time job and as a result, our annual income has dropped significantly. Charlie was laid off because thankfully, he wasn't willing to work full time or relocate our family to a different area. I've turned down numerous promotions that would require me to travel more, work in an office, and live in new home with a new (and probably higher) mortgage. So while we have remained in our same small house, we've watched friends with half as many children, move in to homes more than twice as large.

There is no doubt that our financial situation would be better if both of us were working full time and our children were in daycare or home with a nanny. But even now that our children are older and more capable of communicating with us, the thought of them spending more time each day with people other than us, doesn't sit right in our hearts.

While some might consider our choices to be sacrifices, I think a far greater sacrifice at least for us, would be to ignore our hearts and miss out on these early years in our children's lives.

So what is the purpose of this post?

What point am I trying to make?

I'm trying to make the point that the future is not ours to see.

Sometimes not making a plan, is the best plan.

You should always follow your heart.

If you give yourself time, the most suitable answer will eventually present itself.

Options are available, that you might never have before considered.

Sometimes, you may need to go without "more" to get the "most" out of life.

Men are just as capable as women, of raising children.

Especially if they believe in themselves.

And have a good cheering section.

what's in you wednesday

I received an e-mail a few weeks ago from a woman named Katie, who just completed her first 10K race. She signed up to run the race because she was inspired by what she read here.

Katie's comment inspired me to go back through my archives.

Heck, I was inspired.

Within the past 18 months... I've completed two triathlons, a few 5K runs, one marathon and one 60-mile walk. But with the exception of my 3-Day walk, those events were before I was working full time and my schedule was all wacky.

So these days, I'm a champ at making time to work and play with the kids and clean the blinds and sit down with the family for dinner. I'm even a champ about keeping up this blog. And I've significantly reduced the amount of sugar from my diet. As in: I haven't had any chocolate in two whole days. Or, one and a half. (I round up.)

But up until very recently - I lacked the fundamental ability to make time for myself to exercise. Even though there are studies that show people who exercise are healthier, happier and live longer. And from being in relatively good shape - not so long ago - I know, firsthand, how great if feels to be fit.

So why is it, that if I've got to carve time out of my day for some task, that allotment of time for "working out" has always been the first thing to go?

Since I've been working full time, I've gone from this...

To this...

For the past few months, there haven't been any physical goals to strive towards. And while looking good in a bathing suit and living four years longer are both awesome goals, they're not as urgent as dusting the bookshelf or changing a light bulb in the bathroom. I can see those things. They are tangible and real and something I can tend to, immediately. (Also, less painful than running five miles.)

So, to bring more commitment to the goal of exercise, I'm resorting to placing more full length mirrors up in the house and walking around in a swim suit. I've also been using a little something I'll tell you about this coming Friday. Because it's become a Favorite Thing of mine and has really helped me to get a cardio workout in (almost) every day.

I'm also resorting to signing up for some events, in addition to my 3-Day walk(s), which I'll tell you more about once I register. Because if I don't have a goal, I don't have the motivation to keep anything up.

Now enough about me!

What about you!

Are you exercising?

Are you participating in any athletic events this year?

(Watching the Olympics? That does NOT count.)

What are you doing?

Please tell me.

I might show up in a bathing suit and ringing my cowbell to help cheer you on.

an e-mail from Haiti

This afternoon, I received an e-mail from my cousin, Regina, that she has given permission to share. Regina describes what she has done and seen over the past four days since she's been in Haiti. And also, what is needed most: Prayers. And lots of them.

Raymond. I can just imagine that sweet boy in my mind. I do wish there was some simple way Regina could bring him home. Or, send him to me.

*********

Hello All!

I am alive and well, however completely exhausted. We've been here 4 days and there are no words to describe what my eyes have seen and my heart has felt.

The gravity of destruction to a generation of this country is beyond words. So many of the children without limbs simply take my breath away. I have one little boy, Raymond, who I've grown very attached. While trying to comfort him just after he came out of surgery, I was told by the doc that he was all alone. He was recovered in the rubble in Port Au Prince and his family is presumed dead. Hearing that, I scooped him up in my arms and just couldn't hold back the tears. He kept looking at his bandaged shoulder stump and saying in Creole, "All gone? All gone?" Oh, how I wish I could bring him home. And sadly, there are many others like Raymond.

Our days have been very long. We start work at 8am and finish anywhere from 10p-2a. We are taking care of patients that are laying on mattresses on the floor and army cots. We kneel or squat to reach them. The rooms are filthy and all of us nurses have had difficulty caring for our pts in such unsanitary conditions. We do our absolute best, to practice aseptically, as we would at home, but truthfully, it is next to impossible. We often crack jokes about JHACO!! {Jen asks, what is JHACO?} Needless to say, I'll need a full body massage when I get home. Oh, and throw in a pedicure too. My feet are swollen and blistered. Chairs are a commodity here. Any available seats are occupied by the family members who have no where to go, so they stay in the pts wards. Just more people to add to the chaos!

We are doing so much good here. Although I've never been so physically + emotionally drained, I am so glad that I came. I knew it'd be grueling, but I didn't expect to have the feeling of sadness that I've experienced. To look in the eyes of these people, you sense an emptiness. They had so little to begin with and now they have nothing. And, then there are their families who do not hesitate to provide the most intimate of care. Not only do they help their own, but also those who are without families. It is a culture that really looks out for the little guy. And they are so grateful for our presence. In spite of their agonizing conditions, they kiss our hands and pat our backs in gratitude. I just hope that in the months to come these victims will get the rehab they need to learn the necessary skills to have some quality of life with their handicaps. Looking around at the infrastructure of this 3rd World country, it is certainly hard to fathom.

The Caritas contingent is highly regarded down here. I love telling the other volunteers that I'm from Boston. They respond with "Oh, Caritas has been so responsive to this mission!" ... and then they thank us on bended knee. It gives us all such a sense of pride. And thank you Caritas for providing us with Blackberries to keep in touch with our families. I'd never get through this overwhelming experience without hearing the voices of Colin, Andrew and Mary Kate. Their support and encouragement have kept me going.

I haven't had a lot of time to take pictures, but I will get some soon and send them out.

Please keep us all in your prayers. There is very little rest here and we desperately need the support of prayer to keep us going.

Feel free to pass this on. I wish there was more time to write to everyone individually.

God bless.
Love,
Regina

ground hog day

A typical winter day in San Diego:

I just hope we can handle six more weeks of this.

the mass wasters

Two weeks ago, we had a lot of rain in San Diego.

Charlie measured more than six inches in his backyard "weather station" (the children's sand pail) and 12 days later, despite a sophisticated drainage system, our yard is still saturated.

Because the average rainfall in San Diego is around 10 inches per year, and we border the ocean, this area falls under the category of coastal desert. Native vegetation is rather sparse and the soil isn't very porous so can't handle large amounts of precipitation. When we do get a lot of rain, there tends to be a lot of runoff, a lot of mudslides and a lot of flooding.

If these rains keep up - and more rain is predicted this week - California very well may be on it's way out of the drought that we've been in for the past three years. But to effectively end the drought, we need approximately 19 more feet of snow in the mountains. Which works out to approximately 19 more inches of rain. Although there are no guarantees that we'll get the same kind of intense rain storms we've experienced this first month of the year, experts have said that El Niño conditions in the Pacific Ocean increase the likelihood of more big storms all winter.

All this to say, Yay! We love rain!

And also, we're considering the purchase of a boat.

While the storm two weeks ago was hammering our area, we'd heard repeatedly on the news that swells along the coast were between 15 and 20 feet. After a quick survey, everyone unanimously agreed that we wanted to SEE that kind of force up close, so we drove to the beach last weekend. There were definitely some big waves - but more surprising was that a large portion of the beach had completely washed away because of the storm surge.

Here we are doing what we can to help accelerate erosion.

Charlie had way too much fun.

And the kids had way too much fun.

Up and down the beach they went while yelling out...

"Look at me!"

"I'm Mass Wasting!"

In this context, "mass wasting" is geological.

As opposed to say, mass wasting of the dietary variety.

Why it is that the more time I spend in the kitchen cooking a meal, the less likely the children are to eat it, remains a mystery. It's not like we give them snacks throughout the day. And it's not like we're serving up muck. This is good, wholesome food. (At least to those who reside here that are over five feet tall.) Food that I truly believe - that if we continue serving to the children - they will eventually eat.

AND ENJOY.

For the love of all that is holy, why won't they eat sweet potatoes made with brown sugar?

To see their reaction, you'd think I was attempting to force feed them cyanide.

Hopefully, before they are 30 they will come to realize just how lucky they've got it living here. But as for now, our children are perfectly content to eat cereal. Or quesadillas. Or peanut butter sandwiches. For. Every. Meal. Which we won't let them do, because we're extremely mean that way. Although it happens quite often, that Charlie and I will wonder aloud if we'd just oblige them, perhaps we wouldn't feel like we were mass wasting our precious time?

Think of the energy we could save if we just served up Cheerios three times a day...

The kids would love it, we'd have extra time on our hands, less dishes to wash and everyone's cholesterol would be lower!

But we'll never give in to their finickiness.

Tomorrow, we're making beef bourguignon.

soul food: truly, madly, deeply stuck (communication)

Charlie and I have been going to church religiously (?) consistently for the past several months and for the most part, we get a lot out of each service.

I think it's because we're at a point where we are trying to figure out what this whole "life thing" is all about, while providing the best structure for our children that we can, while also doing our best to keep ourselves on the right track. And say, not crashing headlong in to the trees that line the road of existence.

Let's face it: life can be tough sometimes.

Especially when you've got small people that you are trying to raise in to compassionate and conscientious human beings. The whole parenting gig sounds a lot easier than it actually is. And for us, church provides a road map that we didn't really have before. And, it has the added benefit of strengthening our marriage in ways that I never expected.

Last week, I wrote about the importance of commitment in a marriage.

This week, I'll be writing about the church service we attended this weekend, where the importance of communication in a marriage was discussed.

Although, it's important to point out, this isn't just about communication between a husband and wife - it's about communication with anyone.

Regardless of who you are communicating with - if communication is tense, communication stalls. And if you lack communication, you get isolation and hopelessness.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. Ephesians 4:2-3 (NLT)

Relationships get stuck in patterns. Relationships "form" and then "storm" but often, before they get to the "norm" or "perform" stage, they get stuck.

From Wikipedia:

"In the first stages of team building, the forming of the team takes place. The individual's behavior is driven by a desire to be accepted by the others, and avoid controversy or conflict.

Every group will then enter the storming stage in which different ideas compete for consideration. The team addresses issues such as what problems they are really supposed to solve, how they will function independently and together and what leadership model they will accept.

At some point, the team may enter the norming stage. Team members adjust their behavior to each other as they develop work habits that make teamwork seem more natural and fluid. As team members get to know each other better, their views of each other begin to change. The team feels a sense of achievement for getting so far, however some members can begin to feel threatened by the amount of responsibility they have been given. They would try to resist the pressure and revert to storming again.

Some teams will reach the performing stage. These high-performing teams are able to function as a unit as they find ways to get the job done smoothly and effectively without inappropriate conflict or the need for external supervision."

A few years ago, when we had four children under the age of three, Charlie and I were going through a difficult patch and we picked up the book, "The 5 Love Languages" and it was such an eye opener for the both of us.

What we hadn't realized up until that point, is that we each have our own preferred method of receiving love. And we need to be multilingual in the various love languages in order for the love between us to work. Or at least, work well.

Each of us has a love bank to which our spouse makes deposits and withdrawals. If something good is done - that constitutes a deposit. If something hurtful happens, that is a withdrawal.

In any relationship, it's best if you are in the black and not overdrawn on your love bank. If you aren't fluent in someone's love language - you could be missing opportunities for filling their love bank.

Which is why you could be in the same room with someone, but miles away emotionally.

The 5 Love Languages, as defined by Gary Chapman are:

1) WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21 (NLT)

The minister spoke of when he was a fourth grader and couldn't read. Although none of his peers knew, his teacher was well aware of the secret he had tried so well to disguise. But instead of calling him out and embarrassing him in front of the class, when the children would head out to recess each day, the teacher called to him and asked if he would stay after to help her with a special project. It was during that time, she would work with him on phonics. He says that the most pivotal moment for him was when she encouraged him by saying, "You are so smart and you'll be reading in no time!"

Sure enough, he was.

Because she believed in him, he believed in himself.

...Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

2) QUALITY TIME

The biggest distraction to intimacy is busyness.

...Because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." Mark 6:31 (NIV)

The minister shared a story of two women who were discussing how they spend quality time with their spouses. One of the women said that she and her husband shared a pot of coffee each day. The other wife went home and told her husband, "WHY don't WE share a pot of coffee EACH DAY?!" The husband responded, "Well, I suppose we could. Why don't we make a pot of coffee?" So they did. And once the pot of coffee was on the table, they sat and stared at each other unsure of what to do next. Finally the husband said, "Maybe you should call your friend and ask her what she and her husband talk about?"

On a daily basis, you should start out talking about the facts, and then - you should get down to talking about what's on your heart.

This is one of my love languages because I absolutely crave spending quality time with my husband. But what I have learned is that you have to carve out quality time because it's not something that you can catch on the fly.

Although, Charlie and I have considered placing two toilets in our bathroom because some days, it seems like that is the only time we have to connect.

3) GIVING/RECEIVING GIFTS

Some people express love by giving - or receiving gifts.

Lucky for Charlie, this is definitely NOT one of my love languages. If Charlie misses my birthday - or our anniversary - it's not a problem for me, in the least. While I do appreciate gifts that are received, I just don't place that much importance on them. But, what I have discovered since reading Chapman's book - is that there are some people who do not feel love unless you recognize them by giving them gifts.

... a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head. Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, "Why this waste of perfume? It could have been sold for more than a year's wages and the money given to the poor..."
Mark 14:3-5 (NIV)

How do people want to receive love?

Well, how do they express it?

If you know someone that showers you with gifts, chances are good that giving and receiving is one of their love languages. And if you want to successfully communicate with them - you better get on board. And start saving.

4) ACTS OF SERVICE

Acts of Service? Now, this IS my love language.

If you love me, DO SOMETHING WITHOUT ME ASKING TEN TIMES.

If you love me, PICK UP YOUR SOCKS.

Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should was one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. John 13:14-15 (NIV)

If you love me, MAKE SURE THE DIAPER BAG HAS DIAPERS IN IT. Preferably, before we go out. And are more than 30 minutes from home.

Ah, but the trick here is that you need to ask and not demand that someone does something. And then (this is the really tough part for me) let it go undone. As in, don't bring it up again and again and again and nag about it, incessantly. How difficult is it to remember to pack diapers in a DIAPER BAG? Seems pretty self explanatory to me. Diaper Bag = Diapers. It's not rocket science. Or maybe it is and I'm BRILLIANT.

(Don't do that. Don't even think it.)

My husband knows that if he tidies up the garage, and picks up his stuff and cleans the bathrooms for no reason at all, he'll have an Irish love tiger on his hands.

Roar!

5) PHYSICAL TOUCH

This isn't about sex. That post comes next week.

This has to do with the simple healing power of touch.

There are studies that have shown people who have not been hugged as children, have an increased tendency to be violent and aggressive relative to those people who have been hugged frequently as children.

Michael Rayel wrote, "A touch provides comfort in a freezing night. It makes us feel secure because it unites us with an affectionate, loving, and feeling human being. The warmth it brings is better than the warmth a fireplace can provide. A touch shields us from the worries of today because of the confidence it brings. Like internet, it allows high-speed access to another soul."

When he came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately, he was cured of his leprosy. Matthew 8:1-3 (NIV)

Do you know when your spouse is upset with you?

Do they look at you? Do they reach out and touch you? Or do they answer questions in one word, "Yep." "Nope." And recoil if your foot so much as touches them in bed at night?

Remember this: Your words will not penetrate their heart, if you can't take the simple step of reaching across the chasm (or table) and holding their hand.

Studies have also shown that women speak two to three times more than a man each day. And undoubtedly WRITE two to three hundred times more (Good Lord this is a long post is anyone still with me?), but that doesn't mean that the people in your life know what your needs are, unless you explicitly state them.

So as I conclude this post, I'm leaving you with a homework assignment.

Sit down with your spouse and ask them to complete the following sentences:

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

I feel loved when you __________________.

Seven times they need to write down what it takes for them to feel loved. And then, you write down seven times what it takes for you to feel loved. And then, trade your notes and do your best to implement at least two to three of those things, THIS WEEK.

Don't make your spouse read your mind and don't try to read theirs.

SAY what you want and ASK for what you need.

Charlie and I tried this exercise and it went something like this:

Charlie, to me: I feel loved when you ... encourage me to go out and get involved in triathlons.

Me to Charlie: I feel loved when you ... bake me chocolate chip cookies.

This is why my husband is a rock hard stud and I'm turning in to something squishy.

Because we clearly love each other.

A LOT.

forest the bear

I've written before about my friend, Julie.

But I haven't really written before about Julie's sister, Marie.

Except to say that Marie had written me a Christmas card in 2005, that I received at the same time as Julie's Christmas card. In her card, Marie had asked for me to call her, which I did. But she wasn't home - and when she called me back - I wasn't home. When we finally connected on Christmas Eve, I was hoping that she was going to tell me that they were having a party for Julie on her birthday, January 4. But instead, Marie told me that her younger sister had passed away on December 8. Four years later, I still find it hard to believe that my good friend is gone.

Since that time, Marie and I have remained in touch.

Because, as it turns out, one day she Google'd her sister's name and came directly to the post where I wrote about her. Every so often, Marie reads my blog and she has sent some very generous donations to all of the cancer fundraising events that I've participated in. But if I bumped in to her in a store, I don't think I'd know her. But I do know that I'd like her, because I can just tell that she is cut from the same genuinely good cloth as her sister.

And I adore her sister.

Now the point of this story is to tell you that in June of 2007, a few weeks before Henry arrived on the scene, I received a package from Marie. In that package was a beautiful stuffed bear that belonged to Julie. According to a note that Marie had placed in with the bear, Julie had named the bear "Forest" and he was one of her favorites.

It wasn't very long before Forest the bear became one of our favorites. William, in particular, has adopted Forest and he rarely lets him out of his grasp.

Tonight, as I was tucking William (and Forest) in to bed, William asked me to tell him again the story of where Forest came from. Pulling the covers up under my little boy's chin, I stroked his cheek and said, "Forest was my dear friend Julie's bear. And when Julie went to heaven, Forest came to live with us."

William was quiet for a moment before he piped up, "Mom. Julie put her love in to Forest, and now, I can feel Julie's love come out of Forest and in to me." Then he smiled and cuddling his bear close he said, "Forest makes my heart happy."

Which makes my heart happy.

And I hope it makes Marie's heart happy, too.

perspective

Our dishwasher broke last night.

For those keeping count, this would be the ... 12th time? ... in less than three years that our dishwasher has ceased working. (Kicking and cursing never helps.)

We often wonder why we don't just replace it - but then we remember we paid a large sum for an extended warranty and so all of the repairs are covered. Although at this point, we're beginning to think that it would be less heartache to pay for a replacement, then go without a dishwasher for several days at a time, once every few months.

Since we rely upon the dishwasher more frequently than our washing machine - the misery of losing this critical appliance until next Thursday (when the repairman comes) is positively excruciating. But the kids think it's great. They are more than happy to wash the dishes.

There's something about soap and water and bubbles that brings them tremendous joy.

So until Thursday rolls around, I'm lowering my standards on what defines clean. The kids are having a great time and since I'm not the one washing dishes, I'm embracing the concept of having a great time, too.

I mean, they're using soap and filtered water.

How bad can it really be?

We'll just postpone our fancy dinner parties until next weekend.

five year old fashion

The upside of five-years-old is that the children are fully capable of dressing themselves.

The downside of five-years-old is that the children are fully capable of dressing themselves.

And usually, they insist upon it.

Which inevitably means that whenever we step foot outside of our house, I feel compelled to explain to anyone who shoots me a funny look ...

... That I had absolutely no part in accessorizing.

my awesome family

My awesome cousin, Regina, who happens to be a highly qualified ICU nurse, will be flying down from Boston to Haiti - any day now - to lend her medical expertise and compassionate heart to the victims of the earthquake.

She'll also lend her humor.

And possibly teach those in her company some of her suave dance moves.

I'm certain that she will do a great job and I am so proud to be related to this incredible woman. Oh, and to add to the awesomeness factor? Regina will be doing the 3-Day walk with me later this year. Yup. You read it here.

(FYI: Regina. You're doing the 3-Day walk with me later this year. Hugs! Kisses!)

My awesome cousins, Margaret and Lisa, who happen to live in South Carolina and have dedicated themselves to homeschooling their children, have also dedicated themselves to keeping their father's memory alive. Because my Uncle Bill never gave up his hope for a cure to lung cancer - his daughters haven't either.

A few years ago, Margaret worked tirelessly to have a license plate adopted by the South Carolina legislature, which would benefit lung cancer research. Now, Margaret and Lisa are trying to help spread the word about lung cancer research legislation that is currently before the U.S. House and Senate which will declare lung cancer as a public health priority.

I've written about my Uncle Bill before. As you may recall, he was an extremely healthy man who never smoked a day in his life. And yet, he was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. Although the doctors only gave Uncle Bill three months to live, he made it almost five years because he was so strong in both body and spirit. It's not as unfathomable as I once thought, that someone who never smoked a day in their life would be struck by this horrific disease. Tomorrow, my boss will be flying to the funeral for his 60-year old cousin who died of lung cancer this past weekend after a diagnosis in October. Of 2009.

(He was also a nonsmoker.)

What I didn't know until just today is that over 60% of new patients are former smokers or people who never smoked at all. Moreover, one in five women that is diagnosed with lung cancer never smoked. According to the Lung Cancer Alliance website, there is currently a piece of legislation before both the U.S. House and Senate called the "Lung Cancer Mortality Reduction Act of 2009."

This critical piece of legislation "declares lung cancer a public health priority, authorizes the Secretaries of Health and Human Services, Defense and Veterans Affairs to combine their key assets and to develop a comprehensive and coordinated research program with a goal of cutting lung cancer's mortality in half by 2016. The first year of the five year bill would be funded at no less than $75 million. Additional sums are authorized as determined by these three agencies in the overall five year plan."

Wow. That sure seems like a lot of money.

But did I mention that lung cancer will kill:

• More people than breast, prostate, colon, liver, kidney, and melanoma cancers combined;

• Nearly twice as many women as breast cancer;

• Over three times as many men as prostate cancer;

• An average of 437 people a day?

Did I mention that??

So please consider signing the petition and sending a message to your congressmen and congresswomen, today. It's extremely easy to do and a wonderful opportunity to stretch your democratic muscle.

(Believe me, he would if he could.)

(FYI: Margaret and Lisa. You're doing the 3-Day walk with me later this year. Hugs! Kisses!)

So here are people from my family - doing what they can to help the scores of people that have been devastated by the recent earthquake in Haiti, raising their voices to help spread the word about passing a critical pieces of legislation that will reduce the mortality rate of lung cancer patients by 50% over the next six years. That's some pretty incredible stuff. What else could I possibly tell you?

Well ... my husband he is an extraordinary man.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to juggle clumps of sand?

It takes coordination, balance, dexterity and SPEED.

Yet look how he does this so effortlessly.

My husband is a man of many talents.

And he is a man of very good looks.

FYI: Charlie...

Regina, Margaret, Lisa and I will be doing the 3-Day walk later this year...

Which means I'll be gone for a few days...

But I have every faith that you'll be TOTALLY fine...

Hugs! Kisses!

Me.

homeschool: my little bean, er, cheerio counters

Charlie had a dentist appointment this morning.

So while my husband went off to have half of his face numbed up, I stayed home with the kids and we worked on math. As I was having them practice various exercises from their Kumon workbooks (pronounced "Ku-Mon" and not "COME ON you can do this!") I was struck with an idea for helping them to visualize and grasp number sequences.

Although there are a lot of great websites out there and lessons I could download, for the most part, I really wing it when it comes to teaching the children. Sure, I try to draw upon some of the things that they learned in Montessori, but because I don't have all of the supplies that a Montessori classroom has, I do my best to work with what I've got.

So today, I had in mind some kind of tool that allowed enough spaces for the children to count out a specific quantity and then visualize the numerical sequence using small objects. Small objects like ...say, dried beans.

But unfortunately, we're out of dried beans because our children poured them in the dirt with the hope that in the morning, we'd have a beanstalk. Leading up to the clouds. Where a giant with a goose that laid golden eggs would reside.

The thought of using coins crossed my bind - or buttons - but Henry, seeing that it solicits a response from me, has taken to shoving little objects in his mouth just to see my alarmed reaction.

So there I am thinking and thinking.

What could I use?

And then it came to me.

Relying upon my handy mini-muffin tins, and a bowl of Cheerios, I had the children count out the number of muffin indents. Then, I had them place the appropriate number of Cheerios in each indent.

One had one.

Two had two.

Three had three.

Four had four.

Still with me?

All the way up to ... twenty four had twenty four.

I also taught them that twenty four is divisible by two, three, four, six, eight and twelve.

"Huh? Diviso what?"



Just kidding.

(They ate all the Cheerios before we made it that far.)

A fun activity that teaches and yet satisfies a hearty five-year-old ...

And two-year-old appetite?

In my book, that's a win win!

soul food: truly, madly, deeply stuck (commitment)

I genuinely believe that Charlie and I have a very good marriage.

The reason for that is largely because I hit the jackpot in the husband department. After almost twenty years together ... and over 15 years of marital bliss ... Charlie gets me and for the most part, I get him. We go together like peas and carrots. We compliment each other well because we have learned how to draw upon each others strengths and ignore support each others weaknesses.

(Not that there are very many. At least not with me.)

Like most things in life, our marriage has had it's shares of highs and lows. But by and large, we've had more highs than lows. And there is no question in my mind or heart - this is the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with. Don't think for a minute I don't realize just how lucky I am. Oh yeah, baby!!

Now there are so many good people I know who have had their marriages end in divorce. It is my most sincere hope that this post does not open any wounds for them, but instead - strengthens their next relationship. Not if, but when that next relationship happens. Because after witnessing my 76-year old mother marry a wonderful 85-year old man, I have seen firsthand that love is, indeed, as perennial as the grass.

So. Last night. We attended a church service and because it has become commonplace for me to download my notes following a particularly thought provoking sermon, I'm going to share what I considered the highlights of the service, here.

Are you ready for this profound message?

Marriage is a lot like a cell phone.

In the beginning, you loved your phone because it was so cool.

Maybe your phone was cute. Or sexy. In a technological kind of way.

But after a while, what you once thought was cool is now old and outdated. Perhaps you're noticing other people's phones and wanting what they have? There is no doubt that whatever it was that initially attracted you to your phone is now dwindling. What once sizzled now barely fizzles because it is so deadly familiar.

Come on, who wants to be stuck with an old phone when you can get an upgrade? The time is ripe to get rid of the old (bag) phone and replace your model!

The problem is, in no time flat, that awesome NEW model will be outdated, too.

Because it's impossible to keep up with technology.

There was a little boy who was taking music lessons and his class was putting on a performance. The child knew all the words to all of the songs. He knew when it was his turn to sing and when it wasn't. He knew everything that he was supposed to do. But when the light was on him, he just stood there. His parents spoke to him and asked why did he not sing when it was his turn? And he very simply said, "I didn't want to."

He didn't want to be engaged in the performance and so he wasn't.

It wasn't about his inability to perform - it was about his attitude.

Changing your attitude is like changing your vision on life. Much like a new prescription for your eyes, can help you to see better, so a renewed commitment to embracing a better attitude in your marriage (and life) can help you to see things differently in your world.

Our minister spoke of his neighbor whose fence fell down in the recent rain storms. Much like his fence fell down last winter. And the winter before. And the winter before. And every year, the neighbor does a patch job. He pulls the fence up and hammers on some two by fours to keep it stable. But sure enough, the next rainstorm will inevitably knock the fence down again.

Are you satisfied with the easy fix, while knowing full well the next storm will cause damage?

Or are you willing to make the commitment to do the hard work. To dig down, pour some concrete, and spend the time and energy required to make the structure stronger?

Do you want to maintain or thrive?

If you feel like your marriage is stuck, there are four commitments that will help to get your marriage UNSTUCK.

Those four commitments are:

1) Commit to a long-term GROWING marriage.

Growing is an action and an investment.

Every marriage, even the good marriages, need a routine tune up.

In your marriage, are you surviving - struggling - or thriving?

Your marriage shouldn't just survive, it should thrive.

But do you know how to make your marriage thrive?

Yes? Well aren't YOU fabulous. You're excused for the day.

No? You are not alone. Please, read on.

2) Commit to SERVING your spouse.

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. (Roman 12:10)

...Live together in love as though you had only one mind and spirit between you ... None of you should think only of his own affairs, but consider other people's interests also. (Philippians 2:2,4)

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. (Oh damn. I've done that.) It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

The minister told a story that several years ago, his wife said to him, "It feels like you don't need me!" His first reaction was that she was correct. Of course he didn't need her. Why should he?! His father had died when he was a young boy and his mother went off to work. For the most part, he raised himself and in doing so, he learned to become fiercely independent and created a distance between himself and everyone around him.

After a while, he didn't even consciously realize that there was a wall there. Until his wife pointed it out and slowly, but lovingly - and very deliberately - helped to break the wall down.

To truly succeed in a marriage, you need:

A) Physical Intimacy - Hopefully, this doesn't require an explanation. If it does, read this.

B) Spiritual Intimacy - Help each other grow spiritually.

C) Mental Intimacy - Help each other problem solve.

And you also need to:

3) Commit to ENJOYING life together.

Enjoy life with your wife... (Ecclesiastes 9:9)

Enjoy life with your husband ... (Jen 1.24.10)

Marriage can become so routine and BORING. You absolutely need to enjoy the MOMENTS of life, together.

So, are YOU fun to be with?

Or are you uptight and tense?

You must be deliberate in having fun. Every single week, carve out a day for you AND your spouse. Put it on the calendar. Write it in ink. Make this a top priority, each and every week.

Because if you do not make the time, the time will disappear.

In the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" Dr. Harley writes that the top five needs of a man are:

1) Sexual Fulfillment

2) Recreational Companionship (possibly redundant with #1, above?)

3) Attractive Spouse

4) Domestic Support (know how to run the house)

5) Admiration

And the top five needs of a woman are:

1) Affection

2) Conversation (feeling, not thinking)

3) Honesty

4) Financial Support

5) Family Commitment

Wow. Those sure are different lists, aren't they?

Do you know what the needs are of YOUR spouse?

Before you think, "Oh yeah. I know what their needs are, but what about my needs?!"

Just remember this:

Selfishness loses.

Giving wins.

If you want to win in a marriage - learn how to serve.

You might be surprised, shocked even - at how when you give love - you receive love.

And then some.

4) Commit to putting God (or, the light that shines within you!) FIRST.

.... If we are living in the light of God's presence... then we have wonderful fellowship and joy with each other.... (1 John 1:7)

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you... you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing." (John 15:4-5)

... The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)

Let's think about that passage above...

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control.

Do you think any of those things would help you feel better about yourself - your marriage - your life? Would any of those things help you to feel less stuck in circumstances that you believe are completely outside of your control?

The closer you grow to God the more these fruits will be produced naturally.

Are you currently locked in to any bad habits that need to be changed?

Do you frequently withdraw from your spouse to do your own thing?

Do you go to bed at two different times?

Do you bicker and fight over the same topics?

Do you nag?

Do you spend quality time with each other during the week?

Do you routinely hug your spouse and tell them that you love and appreciate them?

Did you know that if you were to have sex 2-3 times a week, you would decrease your risk of heart disease by 45% and men would decrease their risk of heart attack by 50%?

Who thinks it's important to be healthy and live a long time?

OK then. I think that's a fairly succinct way of wrapping up this post.

Because my mother does read my blog, after all.